smiling at nothingness...

Di ko alam kung ako lang...masarap talagang magtampisaw.. YEY!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I call him Whatever... Maybe because I really don't know where he stands in my life. He's the legit Sperm Donor to the gene pool of my lovely one year old daughter... That's about it. That basically summarized his status of being a father.

Okay, yes we spent almost three years of happiness together... And yes, he used to concoct delectable morsels for me and we used to slow dance in supermarket aisles together but that's now history, coz after spending two lousy weeks in training at a call center down south he dumped me for some unknown chic.

Anyway, I just hope that she's either really ugly but adorably nice or really beautiful but horribly stupid. Coz if she's Adorably nice and extremely gorgeous I think I'd kill myself.

-----Tralalala... So much for happy thoughts...---------

Maybe this is out of desperation. Mabe it's just a call to be saved.

 I am lonely. Yes I do have my friends... At work,my highschool barkada... and then  some. I have Cj, that lovely lovely angel who has this carefree laughter that resonates like Christmas bells in the bleakest days. And Jobby, dear old bear. (I know that he loves me, and sometimes I tell him that I do love him... But something is still lacking and despite of everything I still feel that something is lacking.)

 I'm beggining to hate sex. Or at least the thought of it. I have the keenest suspiscion that it's the main source of my major woes.

 I'm not frigid.... Not yet at least.

I know I'n not a certified beauty. But I know that I don't look that bad either. I know that I'm not a biatch and neither am I some dumb bimbo. I'm a decent living and breathing human being.

I deserve to be love...
 Oh Lord help me.

i need a hug

______________________

Grubb said that broken bleeding hearts are the most beautiful things in the world.

I told him: so my heart is one of the most beautiful things in the world right now... It lies slowly pulsing... A bloody pulp of something that once illuminates my soul.

I hope we're both right.

cristinaburwell

I do profusely apologize to Gabriel Gracia Marquez for cannibalizing one of his books but yes, that's is what love truly is, one of the most powerful demons in the world.

I wish I could exorcise myself of this madness. But I guess I'm really all to wrapped up in this love bit.

 The jealousy, the ecstasy... petty quarrels that can turn very ugly....  The mind games... Little deceits... The vain efforts just to hold things together.

Love is hard work. It can gooble you up in seconds chew up all your energy and life and then mercilessly spit you and flush you down a dark smelly toilet bowl before you can moan your head out.

Love is ugly. Let's see, yuou think all those long seemingly smooth relationships survived without a good dose of oh so much needed lies? Think again. How many times must one lie to someone's significant other in order for one to avoid hurting that said person's feelings? The answer is COUNTLESS.

I guess I maybe just sourgraping... But then  again, like what one of my friends used to say to me, all that I see is the good side of love. When I'm at the mall, I see people laughing while holding each other's hands and I wish that I could take part of that celebration of the warm and fuzzy feeling croud. But thena again he said that it's not all like that. To love, one must be ready to cry one's heart out and to sacrifice endlessly. It's not all fuzzy at all times.

I'ved sacrificed. I'ved cried. I guess, I should give it a rest , even just for now._______________________

I saw SUPERMAN RETURNS... They played the romantic angle way UP! I was craving for action scenes but it was a let down... Plus the SM Fairview cinema where JOb and I watched the movie had this distracting fungal-like blur at the left side of the screen.... EWWW!

__________________________________________________________

ON REVENGE

*the best sort of revenge is to be not like the one who caused the injury.*

___________________________________________

This is some silly thing that I wrote... I do apologize if it sounds so childish... BUT I LIKE IT.

ON WRITING

putting words into paper
is like putting worlds
in a box.
a magic trick
not known to many,
a gift of talent
given to a few.
a concoction of spells to put millions in trance.
giving out stories that flows from one soul
to another,
in a mission to touch millions.

cristinaburwell

 Years ago when I was still in love with a musical KOrean dumpling-head I used to write song... And hell, I loved the guy.... Here's a sample.

Questions
(Hodge/Juffee/Pie)

staring at the ceiling
i wish i could be the one
the one who would walk with me
through the darkness and the light

I dreamed a thousand times about
the little things you do
the way you make a little smile
the glint that's in your eyes

I thought of possibilities
of you being with me
and sadly i dont stand a chance
I'd think it'd be just fine


Coz i believed in you...
But did you believe in me?
(Did you believe in me?)
Coz I have loved you so...
But you never shared your smile
(you never shared a smile)
Your happiness I wish...
(as) I wipe my tears away...
(putting my life away...)
Goodbye...



I speed across the lonely hours
hoping you would see

that I would be the one...
the light within your skies

I wrote a song to let you go
forget about it all...
but you were just too much for me
and you will always be.

 If you wanna hear the whole song, it's here

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=155301

If you think that this is really taken from Europen countryside think again...

Actually this is a vacant lot smacked in the middle of Fairview where I would take my early morning jogs whenever I can. It's behind SM Fairview where the folks who has nothing more to do and who could afford to pay 2 grand plus for their fitness first membership are "sweating" it out....

I would never exchange this beauty for an airconditioned ride on a threadmill.

By the way, if you are asking why I'm wearing a cardigan while walking in a park here in the Philippines, the answer is, it's 5:15 am and I just came from work and I decided to take abrief stroll amongst the grass.

And thanks for that,I'm now sick. hehehehe

FOR LARGER VERSIONS OF THESE PICS AND FOR MORE OF THEM CLICK HERE: http://my.tabulas.com/gallery.php?albumid=55926&action=view

I don't feel well.

I'm supposed to meet up with my daughter's dad this morning. But as usual the bastard isn't texting... I'm half expecting to get a message saying: SORRY NOT FEELING WELL HAVE TO CANCEL.

It's always like that. He doesn't have time for his offspring but to share bodily fluids with his bimbo? Well, that's another story.

Yes, I'm blazing mad. And I'm afraid. Cj is just one years old but what if three years from now and he's still like that? What if he makes this a habit... This him being a major let down during visits?

I really don't want to have my daughter's heart broken by the same man who crushed my life.

Oh help...

cristinaburwell

http://www.humanforsale.com"How much am I worth?"

I am worth $2,306,602 on HumanForSale.com

___________________________________________

cristinaburwell

I'm hating this job every single day that I'm alive. It's just not my thing to sit in front of my computer saying the same things every damn day. It's just not me.

I wish I'd stick with school when I had the chance...

But I guess regret is not going to get me anywhere...

I wanna see Job tomorrow... I wanna get a hug.

I miss him.

________________________________

It just doesn't make sense anymore. Money isn't everything.

cristinaburwell

I'm sick.

But this blasted job demands me to go to work even if it kills me.

It's like saying : DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD KILL TO REPLACE YOU? YOU'RE BASICALLY DISPOSABLE!

Shit... I hate that  thought.

_______________________________________-

An update. I'm supposed to be taking lunch. But I just have to vent out my frustrations here...

I have an IQ of 167... WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

cristinaburwell

I think I'm gonna have my wish.

I'm gonna get fired.

Oh goodie!

cristinaburwell

I used to like rain... It used to conjure visions of long walks... of nice lovely talks ... of unending romance.

But right now... it's just brings memories that makes my heart thud like thunder and brings my tear ducts to ENERGIZER BUNNY mode.

Shit.

I  HAVE TO GET OVER HIM.

Should I go on overtime every fucking day?... Perhaps. My teammate earned 10,000 smackeroos this pay day coz of overtime. Yep, maybe I should do that and do mega shopping!

cristinaburwell

Gene,

Hindi kita maintindihan. Hindi ko ma-gets kung bakit biglaan ka na lang tumalikod sa apat na taon nating pinagsamahan. Siguro, Oo nga 'di ka na masaya. Pero ang hindi ko maintindihan ay bakit parang wala man lang transition period yung pagiging masaya ng relationship natin at ang pagiging ultimate disaster nito.
Alam ko naman dude na dati pa lang eh di mo na ako mahal.

CLUE#1: Kapag nakakalimot ka na girlfriend mo yung kaharutan mo at di mo nakababatang kapatid at dahil sa sudden moment of amnesia na yan eh biglaan mo siyang binalya na parang WWF style...
Parang may mali nga di ba?

CLUE#2: Nung binyag ng anak natin at may piktyur piktyur at mas pinili mo pang ipakarga sa pinsan mong kahawig ni Cindy Kurleto ang anak natin at sabay akbay pa, samantalang ang girlfriend mo ay nasa isang sulok at namumukha pang singit...

Parang maling-mali di ba?

CLUE#3: Kapag mas gusto mo pang matulog buong weekend at after ng weekend of hibernating sasabihin mo sa girlfriend mong isang call center agent at single mom to boot na PAGOD ka at di ka pwedeng makipagkita sa kanya...

Ay sus malamang nga na di mo nga ako mahal.

Wala lang. Ang weird lang. Sabagay, we were never in a conventional relationship. And despite of all the low points of the years that we were together I could say that I was happy. Hindi ka masamang boyfriend pero hindi ka rin naging ganun kabuti. Di ka nga umiinom pero para ka naman humihithit ng tambutso kung magyosi. Di ka nga nambabae pero sobrang mas mahal mo pang magluto kesa mag-spend time kasama ko (at ang proof ay dahil sa pagluluto mo halos dumoble ang timbang ko simula nung nakilala kita... sabagay, in fairness masarap ka ngang magluto.). Di ka nga gumigimik pero langyah, tulog ka ng tulog... Talo mo pa ang isang Canadian Brown bear na nakataas ang pwet at naghihilik.

Pero despite of those things masaya ako habang tayo pa. Masaya ako kapag nagslo-slow dance tayo sa grocery aisles... Kapag sinasayaw mo ako sa kusina nyo... Kapag nilalakad natin ang subdivision nyo at tumitingin tayo ng mga bahay na pangarap natin bilhin... Kapag nanonood tayo ng horror movies at bigla ka na alng tumitili na parang malanding pokpok kapag natatakot ka, (sabay kapit pa sa akin!)... Kapag tinutugtugan mo ako ng gitara at pinipilit mo akong kumanta...
Masaya na ako nun. Kahit lang kapag pinapanood kitang matulog kasi ni hindi ako makaidlip sa lakas mong humilik. Talo mo pa ang makina isang thunder jet ng US Airforce na ready for take off.

Alam kong pareho tayong may kasalanan at hindi na dapat tayo magsisihan pa kase wala lang namang patutunguhan. Pero kaya lang naman ako inis sa'yo kase parang sobrang bilis mo na lang kinalimutan ang lahat ng pinagsamahan natin ng tatlong taon para sa isang tao na ni hindi mo lubusang kilala. Parang hindi ko maatim isipin na parang nung isang araw lang eh nagplaplano tayo ng future ng anak natin tapos ngayon eh nakikipaglaplapan ka na sa iba...

Alam ko... Breaking up with someone is a huge psy-war. Masakit... Halos masiraan ka ng bait. Kaso ang hiling ko lang sa'yo ay sana'y paintindi mo sa akin kung bakit parang biglaan ka na lang nagbago...

cristinaburwell

I think I love him...

All that I know is that I can't just let him go. I can't exist without him.

But I'm not yet ready to fall in love once again.

DRAT.

Days swiftly come and go
I'm dreaming of her
She's seeing other guys
Emotions they stir
The sun is gone
The nights are long
And I am left while the tears fall

Did you think that I would cry
On the phone?
Do you know what it feels like
Being alone?
I'll find someone new

Swing, swing, swing
From the tangles of
My heart is crushed By a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again?

Dreams cast into the sky
I'm moving on
Sweet beginnings do arise
She knows I was wrong
The notes are old
They bend, they fold
And so do I to a new love

Did you think that I would cry
On the phone?
Do you know what it feels like
Being alone?
I'll find someone new

Swing, swing, swing
From the tangles of
My heart is crushed
By a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again?

Bury me
(You thought your problems were gone)
Carry me
(Away, away, away)

Swing, swing, swing
From the tangles of
My heart is crushed
By a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again?

CAN YOU HELP ME FIND A WAY TO CARRY ON AGAIN?