Entries for May, 2006

May 4th, 2006

dazed and confused....

this is at around 5:30pm... a view of the pink sky and a beautiful sunset

Sunset viewed from the west window of our house... This is my backyard. A visual playground of trees and nothingness... It would've looked really quite bare but the pink sunset made up for it.

I'm looking for something that isn't there. I'm currently on vacation leave and I've already had this one night bang with some guy who is my "adored one's" bestfriend... But still I feel empty. The guy loves me... I know, I can feel it. I don't wanna hurt his feelings because of my selfish truce with Fate. All I want is to discover that one special thing that would give me the kick I could get from life that I completely deserve. I love the guy but I'm still not ready to plunge into some unplanned relationship right now... It's not the right time.

Shit. I wanna go outdoors and just take pictures of the things I love. Just lose myself. Last Tuesday he went with me to Divisoria and with all honestly I would have liked to take pictures of Divi at 6am... 6am, when the place was just waking up from its brief early morning slumber. A collage of dizzying smells, colors and sight.

I wish that I just went with my intuition of saving this weekend for Greg. I know that my kid's dad promises are just promises and nothing more. I'm getting so tired of just waiting for him to grow up. Greg keeps me sane. I'm really looking forward of enjoying the sea with him in a couple of week's time.

 

 

 

Currently listening to: geek in the pink jason mraz
Currently feeling: weird
Posted by cristinaburwell at 06:54 AM | 5 ang umangal

May 7th, 2006

Tiendesitas

 That's him... His looks belies the person inside that hard exterior. He's really a cry baby... A huge teddy bear. I know thatmy mom thinks that he's some kind of bad guy or something... She told me that he might be a member of some criminal group...

Balderdash....

He loves me... I don't wanna be unfair but I'm really not sure if I really do love him. I know that I care.... But that's about it.

It sucks. I still love Cj's dad. And I'm in love with Greg... What's a girl to do? He doesn't wanna be friends with me. I offered him friendship but he wants love and the whole shebang.

_________________________________________________

We went to Tiendesitas last Saturday night. I loved him more that night than any other time that I was with him. Maybe it was the summer breeze... Maybe it was the sweet mellow moon.

I have no idea. All that I'm sure of is that I feel safe when he's around.

 

Currently listening to: the drumbeats of my heart
Currently feeling: confused
Posted by cristinaburwell at 09:02 AM | 6 ang umangal

May 18th, 2006

of matters of the blood pump


cristinaburwell

I really don't know what's wrong with me, Hodge told me years ago that I don't even know how it is to love. I find it so easy to be lured into the impression that I am in love with someone that dumping that particular someone is just so easy as pie (pun uninttended). It's not that I don't get hurt in the process but what Hodge couldn't understand is why go through that painful loop of things when I could be saner and not just jump into things to fast.

Infatuation. That evil EVIL word. It masquerades under the false impression of true love. You get giddy... You get high. But after the initial surge it would leave you with nothing.

I was talking with office guy earlier and I just noticed all of the sudden that he's one haughty individual. As I was looking at him, a little voice at the back of my head is asking, WHY THE HELL DID YOU LET HIM KISS YOU?!?!?!?

(OH yeah.. He has AVP and all, that means that he's 3,300 pesos richer than moi... But THAT doesn't count as a POGI point.)

THe point is, maybe my Korean dumpling of an ex is right. I really don't know how it is to really love someone. Maybe I've been IN LOVE before... Maybe for the wrong reasons. But to really selflessly love someone I guess that is outside of my comfort zone. Being hurt to many times before taught me to use my heart as well as cunning to catch the prey... errr... MEN.

~Dearest Jobby, if ever you're reading this. I'm sorry. I do care about you greatly. But dude, there is really something VERY VERY WRONG with me. I would need lots of time to fix myself and make friends with the universe that I revolve in for this friendship/relationship to work. I'm not stringing you around... It's just that right now you are loving a very muddled up person and I know that you don't deserve being involved with such a wiry creature. I know that even in my sleep deprived head that you are someone special and you deserve someone who could equate whatever efforts that you are showering upon me...~

Gawd. I need sleep.
Posted by cristinaburwell at 08:15 AM | 5 ang umangal

May 25th, 2006

Temporary amnesia


cristinaburwell

I'm going away for the weekend. Just to think about whatever the hell is bothering this befuddled head of mine.

Take some picture.

Walk along some sandy shore of some far flung place.

Forget that everything exists... forget that I'm just a diminuitive force in some drive to enrich some corporate American empire.

Just to forget.

Wish me luck...

Currently feeling: weird
Posted by cristinaburwell at 10:56 AM | 2 ang umangal

May 29th, 2006

back from the ocean


cristinaburwell

I'm back...

A little darker...

A bit more relaxed...

A bit more optimistic with what life has to offer...

I feel loved...

 

BUT, not quite.

I love him... He rocks my world. But he's not mine.

Painful... But the very though of leaving him just kills me.

_________________

I'll post a the pictures that I took when we were in the trip , maybe tomorrow

Posted by cristinaburwell at 06:51 AM | may reklamo ka?

May 31st, 2006

skye is blue


cristinaburwell
beautiful sunset-y sky
Currently listening to: start of soemthing good highschool musical
Currently feeling: rejuvenated
Posted by cristinaburwell at 12:07 AM | 3 ang umangal
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