smiling at nothingness...

ENTERTAIN US
Genius is unkind.
In return,it charges more interest than loyalty can cover.
It spoils you like vile cancer
And resents fame like pure unadulterated evil.
Pills and injections placate your lifestyle for a while,
It puts your soul through roller coaster rides
Of hazy purples and monochromatic yellows.
Puts you in a place where the planet poles are in reverse
In a fantasy world where you and your Maker exists,
Of timeless illusions, cheese sandwiches and guns
Whose trigger gnaws your brain for a while.
The guitar claws kept on tightening
I guess
On your heart stem
The loops of distortion,
Beelzebub's wish
Never stopped reverberating in your mind.
The stage was a death sentence,
Throngs of massive crowd always hungry
For something they misunderstood.
Unwanted worship
- adulation kills like heavy fist blows.
For them you were the Almighty
High up on your lonely throne.
Instead you were drowning amidst the shouts for more,
Tasting the very blood upon the strands of music in your head
As you negotiated with the feasrome voices that coccaine and heroine spawned.
The Hands of Time swings with money and fame
You ahd the will to test it
To slow it down or move it faster,
But you left it at home
(If there was a home)
Because the custom officials called it excess baggage.
I listened to your songs once more
And felt the pain of your soul calling from the grave,
The words spun around like heavy rain
And separated the chords until they are small enough to hit
Like the bullets that pacified the demons that were living inside you.
Didn't you even hesitated for a while?
Not even smirked at the cold damned streets unworthy of your blood?
Didn't you even think of the dangling symphonies swimming inside your mind?
Or the half filled glass of vodka that warmed you for a brief second?
Did you even asked yourself what would happen to your unfinished lines?
I don't understand.
You kept me alive.
Didn't you think twice?
As a writer once said,
You could've gone to Florence and looked at Rafael's portraits, perhaps inside them you could've found threshold back in Beauty's arms.
where it all began....
No matter how much you feel betrayed by her
THAT IS ALWAYS THE COST OF AN ARTIST'S PASSION.
IT STARTS OUT AS A KISS BUT FLOWS LIKE A CURSE.

pie~

cristinaburwell

I feel like I'm trapped in a psychotic universe in which I'm damned not to graduate... Back in highschool due to unforseen circumstances I wasn't able to to march... And then now this... Instead of spending the first pasrt of summer worrying about what to wear or what should I do after the BIG DAY and just bumming around the whole duration of commencement practice, I found myself in a call center, working my ass off to pay for milk and diapers.

 I'm in a limbo. I'm not single but there's no glittering gold band on my ring finger either. I'm free to date any one I please but it's as long as I don't take them home and introduce them to my mother,(unless I'm a masochist and I want my head bitten off by my mom...)

 Don't get me wrong... Yes, it does sound as if I'm ranting about being a single mom and not being able to graduate on time but I'm happy having my baby.... I'm not blaming her, not a bit. I'm just grieving for the freedom that I lost and the love that I've been missing.I'm still single despite of the fact that I have a kid.I'm working my ass off the whole time.I should at least have the privilege to go out with anyone I like and start anew...

Nevermind... this is crap. And working on a Sunday is not helping either.

cristinaburwell

Illusions help us through the mundane reality of existence.

To assume that your heart beats for her...

To think that the world revolves around you though the crowds hates you to the core....

To pretend that everything is perfect while he stabs your being with a knife...

And for me to think that it's not just random scribbling but something deeper,

intense and true.

We deny that life is but a saturnine dance of the universe and we are the victims.

And somehow hearing your voice last night made me hold unto the masquerade that everyone's playing,

for how long?

I really don't know.

cristinaburwell

He confuses me... I really don't know whether befriending him is right or wrong. I'm happy with the texts...the notes... It's just that he's attached and I really don't trust myself with these matters. I still remember what my bestfriend told me about my thing with guys... I usually would fall for the wrong person, then blame myself if ever the relationship would go blang. It's not really my fault, she says, it's just that she's really puzzled why can't I just have a regular friendship with men... Just your average, laughing and hanging out sessions... No sexual innuendos.

 And I guess this is my chance to prove that I can do that.

Wish me luck folks!

cristinaburwell

1. be twenty pounds slimmer (goodluck!)

2. buy a phone - already bought one last thursday, a sony ericsson

3. clean my room - did this last night

4. read as much books as i can.... - in the process

5. get a new hair cut- i wanna try something different

6. get a full body massage

7. get myself a new guy bestfriend (hehehe...sorry jef) , because my current boy is leaving for better shores

8. maintain a blog - hell im writing in 5 blogs!

9. get myself published - walang kokontra... walang masama na managinip

10. excercise and diet

______________________________________________________

Yesterday as I was waiting for a friend to pick me up somewhere along Shaw boulevard a scene touched me. Two babies innocently staring at the smoggy skies of the metro not minding that their parents placed the folding bed just 4 feet away from a buzzling metro street, just staring with  a piercing but endearing gaze that only babies could render.

I really couldn't blame their parents. Their mom and dad had to bring them there in order to continue their livelihood... That is selling boiled corn.

I couldn't help but think of my own little girl back at home. And pray to God that I could always provide her with the best things that life has to offer and that she would always be well protected and loved...

cristinaburwell

Jason Mraz has been one of my favorite "happy days" music since college. Whenever I would feel really bleech about existence just a pop of Mr.A-Z's songs could bring a pretty smile on my face. I've been browsing through his web blog and I can't help but smile. He adores Jack Johnson too... And he rants about his old ipod being hefty (good thing someone gave him a new one...) But I really love him and he's so true, he even disses his stardom in his song "WORDPLAY"...

"Some of us go full circle. Some of us blindly go nowhere. The circle doesn’t have to be very large to make a point, kick your ass and/or be entertaining. Remember that and stay light. Even the deaf know good music when they hear it. " - from his web blog

cristinaburwell

Welcome, mga friends, to Coñotica-an academic community na built on the foundations of liberal education at corporate culture. Yup. This is Coñotica. Ang ideal place kung saan ipe-prepare ka for the corporate world!

Coñotica is an academic institution na where two of its goals is to make-turo the corporate culture and to make us gawa community development. Of course, siyempre, marami pang pillars ang Coñotica pero two lang ito sa maraming goals.

Pero wait lang. Bago ka maka make martsa sa graduation from Coñotica, you must learn the wika. Kasi, you know, ang language ng coñotica ang number one feature nito. Ito ang magiging primary tool to make you handa to face the real world.

Kailangan mong ma-master ang wika ng Coñotica? Why? It is the only way para ma-bridge natin ang gap ng corporate world at ng real world. Hmm. Medyo bomalabs ba? Can't make-kita huh? Gan'to 'yan. Kasi the corporate world uses English bilang language niya. Language kasi yan ng mga elitists lalo na ang mga rich di ba? Duh?! Where ka nakakita ng corporate level na meeting in Tagalog? That is so third world!

Meanwhile, sa real world, kung saan the students of Coñotica needs to apply the community development, Tagalog ang linggo. At hindi lang basta tagalog! It's street language or salitang-kanto. So how are we gonna make-ugnay the corporate world and the real world?

Tada! That is where papasok ang lengguahe ng Coñotica! Hindi lang siya simple Taglish. Hybrid siya ng Taglish, Elitist English at salitang-kanto. And iyan ang minimake-aral ng mga estudyante ng Coñotica!

How very noble! Nagmake-imbento ang Coñotica ng isang exclusive language para ma make-ugnay ang corporate world at ang poor. In that way, magagawa na nila ang community development. Because somehow, the students can make-intindi to the poor the ideas of the corporate world through the language.

Ngayon, let me give the basics of the language.

You know, it is very easy actually. It is very similar to Jessica Zafra's icoñography.

First, try mo na i-end o i-start ang sentence with a -LY word. Tulad ng actually, basically, at primarily, essentially, at iba pa.

For example: Actually, you've made her kwento na that e!

Second, i-insert mo in as many instances as possible ang the word LIKE. Madalas, kadikit ito ng phrase na YOU KNOW!

Example: Like you know...when you like...ask someone...like a teacher...how to like...for example...like...

Pangatlo is the use of the verb phrase MAKE. Ito ang one of the important features ng language. To do this, kelangang may tagalog verb after the word make. Minsan, inuulit ang tagalog word, minsan hindi. Actually, depende yon sa length ng word.

Halimbawa: Can you make-paalam naman for me. Inuulit: Eeek! Can you make-apak-apak the ipis o!

Of course, onomatopoeic words are pwede: I have to go! My driver's making me pot-pot na!

Religious din ang language na ito because in most cases lalo na pag excited ang students, they always pray: My God! Nakita mo yung crush ko? He was making kaway na kanina to me; Oh my God! I'm bagsak na naman sa math test! At pag irritated sa seatmate: God! Will you stop making me kalabit?

Lastly, pag naubusan na ng words or examples and stuff, you can use the words THINGS, STUFFS, SOMETHING, at pasukan mo ulit ng YOU KNOW. Halimbawa ay...uhm...ah...basta you know like...uhm...stuff and things like...something like...ah...wala akong maisip eh. Basta something like that.

Ayan, you can now survive Coñotica and fulfill your roles in community development. Mas madali na nating i-fulfill ang roles natin as tulay to the poor. Wag mong kalimutang i-add ang basic icoñography na jake, pare, ijo de, whaw, sheht at coño. Pag namaster mo na ang lahat ng ito, pwede ka nang mag make martsa and be liberally educated Coñotica student ready to face the corporate world!

cristinaburwell

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change


Oh, it's another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon


We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly, An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what JUST slipped out and what went wrong


Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one


I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me


Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now


One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

Oh I'm never speaking up again(x3)
Starting now


What the fuck did you do last night? He has a girlfriend for jeeper's sake... But then again...

Somehow this is a classic hair pulling moment... I wanna scream and bounce off the walls. I know it's just a kiss... But it was kiss and grope and.... BLAH.

Now i'm confused. I know I can care for him much more than the girl but I do respect long running relationships. I'm not a heartless bitch on a rampage to destroy relationships. Frankly I'm not... And I'm never going to be one. On contrary I'm someone who just wants her life to be fixed... Someone who would want to have someone beside her who would make her feel special.

It's just harsh... But do I love him? No...it's too sudden to fall in love with someone just through note scrapping. But I would want to take care of him. I feel that he's neglected and my motherly instincts are hyper acting once again. When I grazed my fingers around his nape to give him a sample massage, I can see by the way he closes his eyes that it was the first time that he felt that kind of bliss...

Nuff said.

Houston we have a problem... My rocket is plummeting down from space...

Jeffrey was right when he told me I'd get burned.

cristinaburwell

 I was tired and dissatisfied with what I did last night. I went home a little bit dazed and muddled. I initiated the kiss... SUE ME. I just really don't know. It's up to him if we would ever be friends again or no... Maybe I just destroyed a very good start, maybe not.

All that I know right now is that what I did was not right...

If ever you are reading this right now... I just want you to know that I would like to be friends with you... I don't want this to end. I think this song is pretty appropriate. On my way home I couldn't get it out of my head...

I hope that you are fine wherever you are...

"The Blowers Daughter"

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

_______________________---

Can't take my mind out off what happened...

HELP

cristinaburwell

Dancing in the darkness

With just the light of the silvery screen

lingering on your lowered lids

caressing the skin that I don't dare to touch

Temptation beckons me

to...

Reach out

and take hold of

your hand.

Rest it on the warmth of my palm...

Where my heart lay for you

to take

to keep

to conquer.

But the blind images on the screen continues to engulf your senses,

and I remain to be a shadow in your thoughts

buried too deep for your love to exist

in my world of pain and regret.

cristinaburwell

I wanna hold him again

Pretend that he's mine;

Pretend that the whole world is waltzing with us

celebrate my heart in a way I'm supposed to.

But then again

Lies are the devil's bestfriend.

It seems to be wonderful at first but it's going to eat your guts in the end.

That's how I'm feeling right now...

That's why this entry is fragmental...

My world spins...

Please make it stop.

**********************************************

I'll see him tomorrow. Gonna pick him up after work for breakfast.It's supposed to be my rest day but I'm going to sacrifice a few hours of sleep to see him.

Nothing fancy-smanshcy. We are just going to hang out in this pseudo park where I used to jog every morning.

Gawd.

cristinaburwell

What would you do just to break the simple daily grind of existence? I have gone out with so many guys since I was 15 that I don't even remember all of their names... Some were dear to me at some given point in my life but some were just there to pass time.Some were just there to relieve a night time itch and some provided comfort and a shoulder to cry on.I went out with them... A whole barrage of men... boys.... geeks...jocks... intellectuals and just plain loonies...

I am not yet pacified.

I want someone who I could call my own... Someone who would have the patience of Job when he was being tested by God.I'm tired of going out with someone hoping that he might turned out to be the one and going home disappointed in the end.

It's just an unending vicious cycle for me.

Oh yeah, I may not be drop dead gorgeous and I may look like a dirigible balloon but I'm the most sensitive girl in the planet and I ain't a bore (both in bed or otherwise... Hahahaha...

Crazy me...

cristinaburwell

I'm in my room... Listening to the cd of "The Speaks" that I just bought earlier... A spur of the moment thing along with the Mojofly cd and a ton of other sinful things...( Considering that it's a Maundy Thursday. I was just supposed to have a pedicure and a haircut but due to a bout of manic depression I ended up buying two cds for myself and two grocery bags full of food. (YUP, another cooking spree happened this afternoon...It's supposed to be my rest day but then again...  But judging from the stack of almond jello, romanian salad and baked mac in the fridge, I don't think so...Tralalalalalala)

He asked me to go to his place earlier this morning... I really don't know what he is up to. He knows that I feel hurt everytime that he'd do something like that. I feel cheap like someone that he could call whenever he's lonely. Honestly folks if a guy would text you at 8:30 in the morning something that goes like this: Aalis sila ngayon...wala akong kasama dito. If you want you can go here to my place... Ano kaya sa tingin n'yo ang iisipin ko?

Yeah, it might be just another innocent call to hang out..maybe watch amovie or two, grab a cold beer... Who knows? Pero parang 'di pa rin proper knowing what happened in the theatre a few days back.(Gawd,he's really a great kisser!)

I'm 21, I have a 10month old kid. I have a thankless job and I'm an undergrad. But I ain't bad looking and I'm not as dumb as I let them perceive, SO WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

I don't know... Should I just finally give up on my happy ending ?

Or as Paulo Coelho would say, should I continue the good fight?

___________________

Watched "Just Friends" with Paolo... "The Hills Have Eyes" with Aldrin... "Moments of Love" with Gilbert... wahahahaha... Pati yun pinatos!Paksyet.

Am I that bad looking?

We are gonna have breakfast later...

cristinaburwell

I slept at around 3:30 am this morning just thinking about him the whole night... All excited that I'm gonna see him grin once more and all that bull. I woke up at 6am to the sound of my phone alarm, I almost dashed to the shower so that I could beat the 7am breakfast date that we set the previous night. I thought that I would finally tell him what's on my mind the past few days and unburden the guilt that I was feeling.

I was wrong. Dead wrong. He came at around 7:15am with a half sleepy guy... Two words flashed in my sleep deprived neurons: SIDE KICK. What the hell did he need a side kick for? We were supposed to talk!!! Damnit! I was trying to control my temper when he lazily plopped down the seat in front of me puffing a ciggy. Amidst the smoke and my irritation he managed to ask: Natulog ka na ba?

Once again I mustered sheer determination not to slap him and stuff the rest of the cigarette that his holding down his stupid throat. I managed to smile... Then he said: Ano na? Musta na? kwento ka naman o...

I made a lousy excuse that I'm okay and I have nothing on my mind lately because I lack sleep and I'm not the usual sugar high freak that he's used to speak with. (As this occured, Side Kick Guy was in deep slumber on the next bench.)

Then he went through a long litany on how he got a split screen at work because he logged into two computers using the same logs and the company has a screen capture of my blog from the second computer and blah blah blah...  TRANSLATION: IF EVER I GET FIRED IT'S YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO CHeck OUT YOUR BLOG...

And to make things worst, when he called over the rest of his team for a happy chit chat in which I have no idea of what they were talking about.

YES, we belong to the same company. AND YES, I did seem so friendly on our previous date that it's okay for him to assume that I'd enjoy the whole US ARMY if they would barged into my supposedly quiet breakfast date BUT NO, not all teams share the same sentiments and not all folks in our happy oh happy technical support department revolve in the same circles AND I'M NOT YET CRAZY to tell relatively anonymous people that I just kissed someone who has already has a LONG TIME GF and dig my own grave...

So there I was pretending to be okay when I wanted to commit mass murder.

The end of my supposedly glorious morning was me burying my nose in a novel and him shaking my hand and saying: TEXT TEXT NA LANG HA?, when he told me that he has to go home.

The last text message I received from him was: Bakit ka nagkaganun? Anong nagyari? Bakit ayaw mong kasama teammates ko?

And so therefore I'll conclude this entry with my favorite adage back in my highschool days:

MEN ARE DENSE.

cristinaburwell

We're friends again. I guess I would never muster enough courage to kick his ass and feed him his own balls (a little violent for a Black Saturday afternoon don't you think?)... He's just too damn cute for comfort.

I texted him if I can borrow his headset and he dropped by ASAP and stayed for a while making kulitan and stuff....

I think I'll just enjoy what we have for now.

Silent Night... lyrics by lisa hannigan*sang by damien rice

silent night broken night
all is fallen when you take your flight
i found some hate for you just for show
you found some love for me thinking i'd go
don't keep me from crying to sleep
sleep in heavenly peace
silent night moonlit night
nothing's changed nothing is right
i should be stronger than weeping alone
you should be weaker than sending me home
i can't stop you fighting to sleep
sleep in heavenly peace

cool huh?

cristinaburwell

You're a Siren!

What's Your Goddess Identity?
Brought to you by Tickle

Cristina, you're a Siren!

Like the beautiful sea mermaids who've swum before you, Siren, you certainly have a way of drawing people in. Whether wooing a crush with your alluring voice or impressing someone with your unique take on the world, you're sure to captivate more than your share of audiences.

It must be the balance between your glittering personality and your individual style that keeps friends and family enamored by your presence. From being able to predict next season's "it" color to pairing leopard print with plaid before it hits the pages of Vogue, people see you as a fashion goddess. You may not want to admit it, but you're part trendsetter and people look to you for direction.

Of course, you know there's more to life than shopping for the latest adorable accessory. You pursue success in all aspects of life — from offering creative insights at work to running marathons. You have big dreams, Siren, and by keeping them in sharp focus, you're sure to come out a winner.

 ________________________________--

La lang asteeeg... hindi naman ako marunong lumangoy...

cristinaburwell

In the land of the privileged few people tend to think that they have it bad... While they rant about not being able to get the latest phone model because their dad won't crank their allowance up a notch higher or what brand of car should they buy using mommy's magic plastic card their counterparts in the slums are wondering how the hell did they survived another day without anything in their grumbling innards... Most of the time they just attribute this to divine intervention or the seemingly miraculous effect that solvent have on their hunger ravaged brain.

 Was that too much for an opening? Yeah it's Easter Sunday and all... I'm supposed to be jovial. But after my conversation with Koko last night, I feel quite different. I feel as if ranting about my deplorable lovelife is not just inappropriate, it's really juvenile. A lot of things are happening in the world while I wallow in my soup of misery. Was Koko right when I am too single minded and selfish to just think that I'm the only suffering human being on earth? Was he right when he told me that I was wrong in thinking that rich kids have it easy? That the fact that I did grew up in the slums doesn't really give me the right to brag that I know life in it's lowest.

You see, let's just say that Koko suffered through the fact that his mom tried to mold him to become the perfect little son at such an early age... He got a little fucked up because of that but he doesn't blame her. On the other hand, my mom didn't expect anything of me while growing up, she let me grew in my own pace... I kinda abused that freedom and kinda went wayward from there but I really don't blame her either for the wicked things that happened to the second half of my existence.

Maybe Ethan Hawke's character in Before Sunrise is right, people would often blame their parents no matter what. As if we have no total control over our own lives... This kid would blame his dad for giving too much... Says that with him spoiling her, she realy wasn't surprised that it fucked up her life. And that teenager sobbing in national television that his mom didn't care for him at all... He's kinda blaming her for the things that he lacks and in a way justifying why he didn't grew up to be whatever he wanted to be and all that bull.

Yeah i'm ranting. And half of it is nonsense.

Maybe Koko was also right when he said that with people, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. It's true that we would never miss what we don't have but being thinking beings enable us to assume what wonders really lies beyond the life we live.

_______________________________

My life ain't really that bad. I'm just tired with work and I thrive on drama I guess... 

cristinaburwell

I've always been the sensitive one... And after I chatted with a guy who's supposedly soooo CLEAN and SAINTLY about his hidden faults... I just wanna puke. Yes he's going to get married soon... And yes he's the one who has always been patronizing about  saving your virginity until marriage. But after what he told me, I'm going to stick with the conclusion that MARRIAGE IS BULLSHIT. It's supposed to be an event that revolves around honesty and commitment... But sometimes whenever honesty means telling your significant other all the things that's on your mind...all the things that you've done in the past, either good or bad, we would chicken out.

Can you really be honest when all you do is put your best foot forward and while the other one is sweeping all the dirt behind your back? Doesn't your bride-to-be deserve all the honesty that would come from you? Isn't love not really perfect but it's with one's capacity to accept all the imperfections that one can prove that one really loves?

If she would accept the hard core fact that you had sex with your bestfriend and forgive you then isn't that the ultimate trying test of how much a heart could cope and understand? 

I was so happy when I learned the other day that he was going to get married but right now... I just feel disdain towards him. Nothing more...

Is there really a happy ending? Marriage is just a masquerade for fools I guess.

Maybe my bestfriend Jeffrey is right, I'm not made for this world. I'm just not strong enough. I'm too idealistic. And now that he's going to move away for good, who would be my sole comfort?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's just weird that I really don't hang out with the boys of my team... I grew up practically with guys. I was never was the pink femme girl... I'd rather choose those Transformers action figures than Barbie when I was little ,(it's because that as early as five I've given up on dreaming that someday I would actually look like a stick with two huge bowling balls on her chest. I'm a daydreamer extraordinnaire but I'm still sane enough not to be a blind follower of things... plus the fact that I've noticed at a very young age that BARBIE IS WHITE AND HAS BLOND HAIR, while yours truly has a yellowish pallour and raven stresses, and you can do so many neat things with robots while Barbie is just well...uh...BARBIE).

Okay where was I? Yeah back to boys. Not being able to really hang out with the creatures of the opposite sex in the office makes my work life really dull... Don't get me wrong, I'm not into flirting at all and girls as friends are a nice little support group altogether but I miss the silliness and the pure unadulterated humor that I get when I muster up a conversation with a male.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night when he started to tell me about this Calcarrie model that he's been dating for the past few weeks.

Ross: Yeah she's really gorgeous and all but err...

Pie: What about?...

Ross: Okay, the other day we were at Galleria when she suddenly told me that there are ghosts in her house.

Pie: Oookaaayyyy... And?

Ross: So I go, "Oh really? How can you tell?" And so she goes, "Yeah...there are ghosts in my place because I can see dead people. I have a third eye you know... I'm actually a CYCLOPS!..." And Pie, I just really stared at her after that... Damn... How could anyone be so beautiful and be so stupid at the same time!?!?!?!?

Pie: You enjoy the sex right?

Ross: Uh, yes...

Pie: SO YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN, BEAR WITH IT! ~laughs~

Ross: Silence....

-----------

Another friend of mine was telling me about his ex... (We were talking about my current situation being an uppity single mom and all...), who is a single mom.

Markus: You know what, you'll find someone new... Just hang on there.

Pie: Yeah..whatever...

Markus: I had an ex 5 years ago who have a kid at that time na... I really loved her. Kaso, after a few months nalaman ko buntis nanaman siya.. tapos ibang guy yung tatay. She had the guts to broke up with me pa.

Pie: *looks intensely at him* Shyet naman... Ano ba yan?

____________________

 Ahh life... It's really more exciting than fiction don't you think? Even every mundane conversations could be thrilling.

cristinaburwell

Something I wrote in my mydeardiary account about three years ago...

 This would have been a sick if it wouldn't have been saved by the fact that I really do love him.

I grew up calling Greg "Tito" which means "uncle" in Filipino... Yup, he's one of my mom's friends. That's how I got to know the guy. When I was little I used to climb and sit on his lap while asking for candy. He saw me grew from a tiny tot to the young woman that I am now. We were always close... And my mom never saw anything wrong with that.

I knew eversince that Greg has this penchant for women and sometimes it would become his undoing... It was in one of these talks about his situation that we became close.

Being a top executive of a multinational company, Greg is like a huge magnet for uhhh... for lack of better terms... "women of depleated means". He would give them all the material things that they want in exchange for one night of pleasure. His family didn't approve of this... There's a hanging divorce but still his kids were concerned about his health. One of these realtions proved to be fatal. HE ALMOST DIED BECAUSE OF A HEART ATTACK AFTER HE LEARNED THAT ONE OF HIS PAR'AMOURS IS SEEING ANOTHER OLD MISER OTHER THAN HIM.

After this, I decided to talk to him and spend a little time with him... His kids, the youngest of which is my same age, requested if I might be able to convince their father to stay out of trouble a bit... So one hot day, three years ago, i decided to form a bond with him. i never thought that this thing would grow into something more extreme.

My dad left me and my mom when I was only two months old. I carry his name which has proven to be a mixed combination of fortune. It's a foreign sounding one, (being the half-Canadian bastard that he was... that means I'm 1/4th Canadian...Wow!), and people always has this expectation that I'm a rich, bratty, English speaking girl from some elite corner of the metro and when they would discover that I'm not the "SUPER GIRL" that they expect me to be, they would dump me like a blazing hot tamale.

HMMMM... I'm sorry to have digressed. Now back to the original topic.

As I've said, I grew up with out a predominant male figure in my life so as I got closer and closer to Greg, I began to have this jumble of "feelings" towards him... I was confused if they were of platonic or of romantic intent. I was only 15 years old back then... Actually too young to be posted with things like these.

I continued seeing him... It went on, dinner after dinner... Walk after walk... I was slowly falling into a dark pit that I knew was forbidden from the start but the excitement of the fall was so intense that I was afraid of it to stop.

Blame it on me... I should have stopped it the moment that my brain started to picture scenes of him and me tangled amorously in bed. But I didn't. The next thing I knew, those scenes were already happening in my reality.

Yup... It's statutory rape at its finest.

I was so afraid to tell my mom that I've kept it for years. Only my closest friends know about our affair. Three years, I've kept mum. Three years, I wrestled with my inner demons at night. With voices whispering that this madness should stop. For three years my mom would unwittingly toture me with new rumors of Greg's new conquest, not knowing that the news that simply amuses her at dinner time are killing her daughter inside, bit by bit.


I love him... I even took care of some of his kids with his other lovers last summer. I don't know. I'm soooooooo confused.

p!e


Nothing has changed. I'm still in search for my prince.

___________________________-

Something lighter (at least)...

" A SMALL BOY "

A small boy
Looked at a star
And begun to weep.

And the star said
Boy
Why are you weeping?

And
The boy said
You are so far away
I will never be able to touch you.

And
The star answered
Boy
If I were not already
In your heart
You would not be able
To see me.

(:

cristinaburwell

Last Thursday and Friday was hell for me.

It was supposed to be my rest days. I was supposed to be lounging... doing nothing but focus on me being "un-stressed". But no... I spent the last two days crying my eyes out.

I really don't get my mom. It is as if all of her frustrations with not being able to be the super mom that she aimed to be was vent out on me. Yes, I have long since accepted the terrible fact that I'm not going to be one of those seemingly bright and stressed free moms in t.v. commercials and I've already nailed it hard into my brain that for now I wouldn't be able to provide Cj with all the luxury that a 10 month old baby could have in the world but to be nagged about it almost every week since I gave birth is driving me insane

If I'm gonna snap one of these days and unwittingly open fire in Megamall just don't put the blame entirely on me.

Honestly, how many cribs does a baby need in order to become a fully functional human being? Cj has two as of the time being. One is her crib at home and the other one is at her dad's place... Get this, my mom wants to buy a new crib... I don't get it. She says that the current crib is hindering my baby from learning how to walk.

Jeez...

All I know is that walking is one of our basic instincts... A person would learn how to walk by hook or by crook...

Oh well... crap.

____________________________-

It would be Hodge's birthday two days from now... I miss that guy.

_______________________

 I loved Brandon since highschool...

• "We have all the elements of being the worst band in the world: a bass player who’s got some slap-bass shit, heavy riff guitars, a DJ scratching on the songs, a crazy drummer, and a singer who’s in touch with his feminine side. Even our band name is the worst name ever: it evokes imagery of ‘Incubus’ in death-metal writing, with bullet belts across our chests."
  • RS, being satirical on how his band ‘comes off’ from his most objective view
• She is a girl so I wouldn’t slap her. I would lock her in a room full of spiders and let her think about what she’s doing to the youth of America.
  • On what he would do if he met Britney Spears
• The girl I find who wants to talk about quantum theory in a bar is the one I want to marry.
  • Rolling Stone, on his “ideal” soulmate
• Female artists are the perfect example of a creator: They know how to make life and art with their bodies. Life comes from their bodies, so on a very basic level, they have more to write about.
  • RS, on some of his favorite female artists such as Ani DiFranco and Bjork
• Men have a lot less to write about, unless you're somebody like Tom Waits or John Lennon. And the female voice is much more suited to melody. Men have this barky thing-we're domesticated apes with a microphone.
  • More on why his favorite singers are mostly women
• I learned from a very young age that if I persued the things that truly excited me, that they would reward in more important ways, like happiness.
  • MTV's Diary, on his motivation
• We don't know much about him. We do know that he came from a sperm meeting an egg. Actually, his name is Charles Mulholland. We don't know what he does, but he sure looks like he knows something.
  • On Chuck, Smother 1997
• She has a fascination with Mayan prophecies, and she's writing a book that's sort of her remembrance of her past incarnation. Whatever she applies herself to, she makes it this beautiful, glorious world around her. All of us kids have always been artistic because of her influence.
  • on his mom, Dolly Wiseman. Spin (October 2001)
• When we're making music together, it's like five men making love-in a very platonic sense. It's very erotic, because your spirits are intermingling, you're becoming one. It's also why it can get so heated. You're tapping into this electricity that's very primal.
  • citing reasons for the band's group therapy Spin (October 2001)
• Morning View is I think collectively probably our favorite record that we have made as a band because it was the most effortless... um... in its conception... you know? It was a lot less slaving over parts and trying to just get together in this big beautiful room with a view of the ocean and parts and sounds and melodies and lyrics would just happen... they would just sort of spill out of us without us really trying... so to me that's sort of the most amazing way to write music or do any kind of art, which is by letting it happen... but one of the most important parts in any sort of.. uh... journey so to speak.. Is uh... the ride... and we've had a really good time riding to where ever it is we are going... and I don't even think any of us know particularly where it is going to take us... But it's been really fun sort of chasing it.
  • Discussing Morning View on Boogie TV interview was done the day of their concert at Vega, Copenhagen
• Jose just got a tattoo of an ass tattooed on his ass the other day. It's actually quite fascinating. Confusing, but fascinating. When you come to the show, ask him about it. He'll show you.
  • Brandon, Rockline interview
• If I forgot some stuff, please excuse me; I ate the brown acid at Woodstock '69 and can scarcely remember my own name.
  • In his "Thanks" for the MV album
• I was in a bookstore, browsing through an old Life magazine, when I saw a picture of what the article called spontaneous human combustion. There were an old guy's legs and shoes, perfectly intact...then, right around his knee area, was just a pile of charred ashes. I was going through some turmoil in my life, both good and bad, and the image struck a chord, so...I wrote a song about it.
  • On writing the song Pardon Me
• I attribute a scab to the present state of society. The way the scab looks in its worst state is gross and chaotic and horrible, that's now, but when it breaks away, there's a brand new piece of skin that's stronger than before. It's like creation out of chaos.
  • Meaning behind the song New Skin
• Lyrically speaking I know that there were a lot of things going on in and around the world and there were some very specific people in my mind coming dangerously close to having megolomaniacal tendancies and so I did my best to write those thoughts down.
  • On the song Megalomaniac
• I was on an airplane last year when a talk show began playing on the TVs. I decided to start narrating for the people, which is a really great game if you're ever bored enough. I realized a time will probably come when television will watch us if we're watching it, if that hasn't already happened, figuratively or literally. It sounded like some sort of pseudo-Big Brother nightmare, so I wrote it down.
  • His influence on writing the song Talk Shows on Mute
• I think perhaps love thrives on unlikely circumstance and chance : life thrives on these principles, and is life not love? And love not life?
  • Excerpt from his book White Fluffy Clouds.
• To think that one's actions could please the masses is indeed a notion bound in irony; someone will inevitably find something wrong in almost everything. So do what it is that you do best and remember to have enough tolerance for two.
  • Excerpt from White Fluffy Clouds.
• I need a new pair of shoes : I need a new shiny car : I need to buy until I fry : I can not name what I'm trying to : I want my cock an inch bigger : I want new, flawless tits : I'm not enough as I was made, please complete my partial mind : I want my money back, this product has a hole :
  • Excerpt from White Fluffy Clouds.

cristinaburwell

I have loved John Cusack since the "Say Anything" days... I know that he doesn't have the adonis god-like aura of Brad Pitt and he could look really geeky at times but I guess he shines because of that. He looks so down-to-earth that he could even be the guy that you go out with every Saturday night... the boy next door or your bestfriend.

Lloyd Dobbler in "SAY ANYTHING"leaving the last of a series of messages on Diane's answering machine] "Maybe I didn't really know you. Maybe you were just a mirage. Maybe the world is full of food and sex and spectacle and we're all just hurling towards an apocalypse, in which case it's not your fault. I'm been thinking about all these things and... you're probably standing there monitoring. And one more thing - about the letter. Nuke it. Flame it. Destroy it. - It hurts me to know it's out there. Later."

Cusack is LOVE.

_________________________________

I'm supposed to graduate this year... Instead I'm working in a call center... I'm earning roughly 18K a month minus the taxes and I'm purely miserble.

I pass time and I get cheap thrills here in the office through leaving random notes to some guy who has already has a gf ( AKA OFFICE GUY)... Concocting fictitious love affairs about my officemates.... and just flirting with this guy in Dubai who's supposed to get married a few months from now.

Ain't that sad....

I got BANGS I mean, hehehehhe.... kala nyo no?

Hahahaha... I got mad at myself the other day... I encountered a pair of blunt scissors that I used for snipping newspaper for art projects back in  highschool and TADAHHHH!

DON'T I LOOK LIKE AN EFFIN' ROCKSTAR?

Yeah, I know I look stupid but hey... It's still a change and they say that change is good ayty?

That's my little girl... Looking so bored as she's waiting for her bowl of rice in Tokyo Tokyo....

And little Cj looking curiously at the contents of our shopping cart!

Just finished with her bowl of yummy rice!

cristinaburwell

Just got home from some mall near our place. Me and a friend of mine agreed to watch it together ... BUT in separate parts of the theatre, just to add to the creepiness of it all.

You see, I played the game almost 7 years back. And I spent so many sleepless nights roaming the streets of Silent Hill alone... It was the first game that scared the bejeezers out of me and I'm glad that the director of the movie didn't butchered the whole thing like what happened to some other games that were doomed to be the plot of some B-movie..

____________________________

The film got me.

Being a mom and all, it got me in a way that wouldn't affect other movie-goer. Yeah, the blood and gore was really disturbing but what's really disturbing is the plot of the story. Yes, I know how it is to be a strange girl in some rotten place and I know how it feels to be ostracized just because you're different. But to be condemned a spawn of evil just because of the fact that you don't have a legal father and be convicted of witchcraft and be burned at the stake for that really got me.

I grew up without a dad. I knew the childhood ache of knowing that somehow you're different from the rest. And now that I myself am a single mom, the very idea of someone hurting my child just because of some "sin" that I've commited is abominable.

It's scary if the world we live in right now would be akin to the pre-fire Silent Hill.

I pray that Cj wouldn't encounter fanatics who have twisted beliefs on what is right and what is wrong.

_____________________________________

I KNOW THAT YOU READ MY BLOG. IT HURTS WHEN SOMEONE MAKES YOU FEEL THAT YOU'RE NOT WANTED.

____________________

THis is WAYYYY wickedly FUNNY!

Some moron from IRC: Asl?

Pie: 21fqc

Moron: So what are you into...?

Pie: Watching films... music... literature.

Moron: Films... like pelikula?

Pie: yeah

Moron: Anong gusto mong pelikula?

Pie: I love indie films.

Moron: Talaga... Are you INDIAN?

cristinaburwell

I have to work during the night nowadays... Just to put America in the Information Superhighway. Whenever someone would ask me what's my job I usually would tell them,

"Uh, some Canadian based company..."

 And when they ask what I do, I'd nonchalantly reply,

 "I help people..."

And they'll say,

"Oh that's cool... So it's like you help homeless folks and all like Habitat for HUmanity?"

Duh? You can say that again.

I guess it's better to paraphrase a bit than just to say straight out that I work as a technical support representative for a call center company. It makes the job as plain sounding as it already is. It's kinda better to think that I save jobs, lives and relationships just by troubleshooting DSL issues and putting people online once again. It's better to think that way than just to see the job as its thankless little self.

It's four in the morning... My back is killing me. I've already talked with 10 people who doesn't have a life of their own so instead of just plain going out they have to transact their lives through a silly computer!

~sighs~

It's inferno but it pays for my little angel's needs.

If a mother is god to the eyes of a child, as one movie is wont to say, I guess a good paying job is blood to that certain god's veins.